People

Mihra realizes she needs people, needs physical contact. Actually she needs it rather a bit more than is probably healthy at this stage seeing as that's what got her all turned around and (mind)raped at Drexalar.

She wants to be a friend but she doesn't know how. She doesn't know how to balance her needing physical without consuming too much of others' energy. But without the people, the hugs, the cuddles, she goes insane, wants to slice and dice, or curl up and disappear.

And she knows she'd regret it, but sometimes she just wants to get fucked...mostly so that she doesn't feel so out of the loop. And it doesn't make sense.

Very little makes sense for Mihra these days, but more and more from the past that comes back to her, it starts to make sense. She doesn't like some of the past that comes back though. A lot of it is...well, it hurts.

She knows she shouldn't feel all rejected and unwanted when her friends want to do things without her, but she does. She feels the bad, and the good is so small, so rare. She feels so alone, even surrounded by people. Yet the alone isn't always there. The alone isn't as bad as it used to be. Now she's living with the SeaFish, at his house anyroad, she's not so alone, specially not physically. But still it's there, waiting. It comes up like a tide at midnight. IT can't be seen until it's washing over her, drowning her.

She wants to be whole. She wants to not feel these things. But there are so many things that she feels that she doesn't want to. So many fears. Always fear. It makes her curl up in caves and hide, or flop on her bed and disappear forever. She thinks she knows why she feels this even though she doesn't want to; thinks it's hard-wired into her.

Mihra needs someone, someone she can be close with, someone who can be like a boyfriend, but the kind not like the Lexicon, not like the one who helped make her pain and fear. He made her hope that life was worth it, then used her mixed torment to pressure her into letting herself get raped over and over, so many different ways. He took the word love, a word that was already twisted around, convinced her to untwist it, then twisted it even worse. But when he untwisted her first he taught her how cuddling and caring and physical closeness and seeing much of each other was something she liked a very much. And now it's something she realizes she needs, and she doesn't know how to balance it out. She needs to retrain so that the closeness of friendship is enough because she needs the closeness, but she doesn't know if she can have a sexual relationship. Truly it may likely be that any sex she ever has will simply be consensual rape, and she doesn't know how to have a relationship with the closeness of partners, with the precedence of partners, without sex.