School

She's off to her first day of classes for the term. She's looking forward to them too. Though she will have to get off her lazy ass and bike down there soon. But she can relax another minute or two. Still has to pack her pack, grab her pannier. She thinks that is spelled wrong, but her spellcheck's not picking it up.

And now she's done with her coffee so she will get up and start moving. Because that is the good thing to do.

Wishes

She wishes sometimes that she could just sleep, fall into that littlest of deaths and not wake up until it's gone, but that would do nothing. She has to be awake to make the bad become different. She has to live, to breathe, to wonder and dream. She doesn't know how she's going to do it, but she knows that for now at least she has to. She doesn't have any other option. She needs to be...she doesn't know even, except that there is a world out there that she doesn't want to live in and yet she has to. She doesn't see her place in it, doesn't see how it's worth going through, but she's here so obviously she has to go through it. She doesn't want to, but what else can she do? She doesn't know what she will make of herself, but she has to make of herself something. Has to be someone. Has to do something.

Maybe someday she will know why she was born. Maybe someday she won't wish she had been aborted.

People

Mihra realizes she needs people, needs physical contact. Actually she needs it rather a bit more than is probably healthy at this stage seeing as that's what got her all turned around and (mind)raped at Drexalar.

She wants to be a friend but she doesn't know how. She doesn't know how to balance her needing physical without consuming too much of others' energy. But without the people, the hugs, the cuddles, she goes insane, wants to slice and dice, or curl up and disappear.

And she knows she'd regret it, but sometimes she just wants to get fucked...mostly so that she doesn't feel so out of the loop. And it doesn't make sense.

Very little makes sense for Mihra these days, but more and more from the past that comes back to her, it starts to make sense. She doesn't like some of the past that comes back though. A lot of it is...well, it hurts.

She knows she shouldn't feel all rejected and unwanted when her friends want to do things without her, but she does. She feels the bad, and the good is so small, so rare. She feels so alone, even surrounded by people. Yet the alone isn't always there. The alone isn't as bad as it used to be. Now she's living with the SeaFish, at his house anyroad, she's not so alone, specially not physically. But still it's there, waiting. It comes up like a tide at midnight. IT can't be seen until it's washing over her, drowning her.

She wants to be whole. She wants to not feel these things. But there are so many things that she feels that she doesn't want to. So many fears. Always fear. It makes her curl up in caves and hide, or flop on her bed and disappear forever. She thinks she knows why she feels this even though she doesn't want to; thinks it's hard-wired into her.

Mihra needs someone, someone she can be close with, someone who can be like a boyfriend, but the kind not like the Lexicon, not like the one who helped make her pain and fear. He made her hope that life was worth it, then used her mixed torment to pressure her into letting herself get raped over and over, so many different ways. He took the word love, a word that was already twisted around, convinced her to untwist it, then twisted it even worse. But when he untwisted her first he taught her how cuddling and caring and physical closeness and seeing much of each other was something she liked a very much. And now it's something she realizes she needs, and she doesn't know how to balance it out. She needs to retrain so that the closeness of friendship is enough because she needs the closeness, but she doesn't know if she can have a sexual relationship. Truly it may likely be that any sex she ever has will simply be consensual rape, and she doesn't know how to have a relationship with the closeness of partners, with the precedence of partners, without sex.

The things she knows

Mihra is learning a lot about how she works. She's learning about the panic, about the fear. She's talking to people, the people she lives with, and they are understanding she thinks. She would say she hopes, but she thinks is stronger and she needs to be stronger about these things. She needs to beat the freeze.

She knows that people arguing makes her fearful.
She knows that people telling her she's done wrong sends her into panic.
She knows that these should not be.
She will work on them.

She loves her friends.
She loves, and she knows what love is, in some ways.
But she is afraid of love too.
Afraid of the bad males.
Afraid of the Lexicon.
Yet she remembered, that time she pushed him off. Now she doesn't have any desire to keep her friends from hurting him for his sake, only for theirs. She knows what he is, at least for her and people like her. He is a predator, an abuser, a rapist.

She is learning herself.
She is not happy, but she is sometimes.
She can learn to be.
It is nice.

Whyfore

A blog has been created, but for what purpose? Well, I shall tell you the purpose. You see, I need to have access to all my links from all my computers, not to mention school computers. So I have created a blog. I may chitchat on it too. Who knows.